0:05 - Aaaand we're live from the red carpet outside the Kodak Theatre for the annual "who's so insecure about their superstar status that they come 2 1/2 hours early to get some camera time"-section of the Oscars. Always fun.
0:09 - American pseudo-designer Randolph Duke pretending he knows about fashion trends, when he's really just preparing us for the dresses he designed this year. Really, we'll be seeing THAT this year? Nooo, really?
0:14 - Michael Sheen is looking positively Blair'esque doing his wide-eyed clueless pose. Very unstatesmanlike to arrive this early, Michael.
0:20 - "And Al Gore is in the house". God forbid that should lead to any sort of mention of "An InconvenientTruth". Whaddya now it, he's wearing black.
0:26 - Al Gore has reached the runway commenters, and as Tipper is wearing an understated chocolate number, they have no choice but to talk about the film and the environment. Good going, Tipper.
0:31 - Red carpet commenters congratulating each other on how good a job they're doing. Little early for that, no?
0:33 - a primer to transparency-testing your Oscar-dress before meeting the runway flash-bulps. Stay classy, people.
0:36 - Catherine Deneuve, in Jean Paul Gaultier, no less. Classiness rating just went up by around 300%. And a clearly drugged up Sally Kirkland just pulled it waaay down again.
Oh, and she didn't do the flash-test.
0:41 - J-Lo, sporting a grand empire-inspired dress, REALLY big hair, sounding like she should be wearing a hoodie. The sweet sound of the Bronx gutter. And in other disappointing news, Cameron Diaz is no longer a blonde. Sigh. And though Rachel Weisz is stunning in a champagne Vera Wang number and Cartier jewels, her face looks strangely like it... can't move. Too young for botox, baby.
0:48 - The "Dreamgirls" cast clearly didn't get the "cleavage is not in fashion"-memo. And one of the girls just used the word "pop-out". Scary. And speaking of scary, Penelope Cruz is wearing some kind of giant wet carpet.
0:54 - Will Smith being all serious and stuff. Quite inapproprate really. But not as inappropriate as Jennifer Hudson's golden StarTrek space-vest worn with a brown H&M dress. Maybe not, but looks like it.
1:00 - Celebrating cracking the one-hour mark by Alejandro Gonzalez Innaritu being unbearably selfsufficient. And oh my word does Helen Mirren rock the whole fashion sense thing. Well done. That's red carpet royalty right there.
1:12 - Jodi Foster looking extremely awkward. It's slightly disconcerting, frankly, that she was at her sexiest as Tallulah in Bugsy Malone and Taxi Driver. We should probably stop it right there.
1:15 - Randolph Duke breaking out the "that is literally crazy. She's lost everything on the red carpet, her hair, her bra, everything" for a replay of crazed out Sally Kirkland. That's harsh, dude. Blame the percocets, not the poor woman.
1:19 - Cate Blanchett has a weird over-confident smirk going on. I think she just jinxed "Notes on a scandal". And what a weird night when Celine Dion is practically the best-dressed so far (wasting a John Galliano wonder). Her husband, predictably, is not.
1:21 - oooh, Forest Whitaker almost forgetting that he hasn't actually, you know, WON yet, discussing his acceptance speech in some detail. More jinxing? Hey, and Jessica Biel going for the stripper/escort look was unexpected. Two years early, at least. Probably afraid to go the way of Jessica Alba to oblivion if she doesn't go "slutty" early enough. Don't wanna miss that window, obviously.
1:35 - Clint Eastwood leaves mid-interview because he just doesn't give a ... , and his befuddled young wife patches things up with a "he's just happy to be here, happy if he wins, but he won't be disappointed if he doesn't win, because everybody is so great this year". Yadda, yadda, yadda. Yeah right. We all saw The Unforgiven, y'know?
1:39 - Eddie Murphy looking genuinely happy and suave in his midnight blue tuxedo. Delirious seems so long ago, doesn't it?
1:44 - Ryan Gosling trying to react to the question "it seems important to you to talk about something of substance here, with most people talking about dresses, and jewelry... it's not about that for you, is it?" Really, it's not? I kid you not, that's what he was asked. Dignified, guys, way to bring the heavy.
1:53 - Clive Owen is the uber-cool.
2:00 - if this animated montage is any indication, it's gonna be a loooong night. Random shot of Spike Lee. Can't tell if we're still in the animated montage, really.
2:04 - best editing so far: airhead reporter: "a wonderful time right now, with celebrities pouring out of fantastic limos..." cut to shot of Al Gore. Make that a Prius next year, a'right?
2:07 - Steve Carrell winning the evening so far as he deadpans: "Greg Kinnear has intense body odour. He does not work well with... the hot."
2:13 - Penelope Cruz being interviewed. Spanish translates really... funny, doesn't it? "Pedro [Almodovar] is big hero, I spent each day yearning for him". She might have said "learning" though.
2:15 - Aw, shucks, Cameron Diaz' all freshly botoxed up as well. Look at those poor cheeks. No. Motion. At. All. Next time, be sure to ask your surgeon if the tightness will be gone by the big night.
2:19 - More Ryan Gosling. Every clip from The Believer, we're reminded what a gutless mistake it was that he didn't get nominated for that role. Just the kind of performance it's impossible to run away from.
2:25 - Kate Winslet being asked "what it was like to shoot the sex scene". Um, dude, have you seen any of her films since Titanic? Not really a shrinking violet, is she? Anyhow, we're wrapping up here, and getting ready for actual awards.
No major catastrophes on the red carpet tonight, except of course Sally Kirkland, but let's chalk that one up to painkillers, ok?