2:30 - Cute montage to get us rolling. But Abigail Breslin will be SO annoying before everything's said and done. And Peter O'Toole really looks older for every shot. He might be dead before the night's over if we don't hurry up.
2:35 - nothing like a self-congratulatory standing ovation to set the mood.
2:36 - introducing Ellen DeGeneres. Aw, how I dread watching her for 3 hours. What did Jon Stewart do wrong? yeah, ok, I know. He was funny.
2:37 - seriously, she ain't funny. Badly dressed, and straight up not funny. I realize it's hard to get good people for this gig. Apparently. But hey, we KNOW Eddie's in the house. Mike him up, people.
2:38 - cheap jokes on British people. I'm speechless. Let's take a break here.
2:44 - Hey, Ellen, when you bang a tambourine right next to your microphone, we can hear it. Quite a lot.
2:45 - First award, and they break out Daniel Craig already. This, for Art Direction, should go to Pan's Labyrinth easy. And it does. So far, so good. With all these Spanish-language nominations, I predict very long and unintelligible speeches all night. And we go directly to The Geek Awards. Way to bring it down a notch.
2:53 - Make-up, animated short, and liveaction short coming up. Can hardly contain yourself, can you? But thankfully, a bit of Ferrell & Black to get us through this segment. And a guest appearance by uberfunny John C. Reilly. So funny it completely screwed the makeup category over. Hopefully more Pan's Labyrinth...
2:58 - yes. So I guess that's what you'd call a good start. Except for cutting off the acceptance speech after like, 5 seconds. And hey, "The Danish Poet" wins in the "irrelevant" category. Not a Danish film though. Look at the ears of that Norwegian girl. They don't grow ears like those on the continent.
3:04 - Danish hopes crushed in the live action short category. But hey, can't complain about losing to a musical comedy short about rival Palestinian and Israeli gangs "that takes place between two falafel stands on the West Bank". No, really.
3:14 - hotly contested "best supporting actor" category coming up. Let's make sure it goes to either Wahlberg or Murphy, for the acceptance speech alone. Even though Hounsou is ridiculously good. And the sound fx choir with some free play for the Honda Civic ad. Meanwhile, a sound editing award to Iwo Jima, and hopefully a new and disrespectful trend of making fun of the minor categories. It's the most boring speech so far - a 2 pager - and following Steve Carrell, no less.
3:19 - Dreamgirls bring home "sound mixing". Which is a bit like saying 'we don't believe these people can sing, so the mixing must be really good', isn't it? And the first thankyou to "guys in the back room". Hm.
3:21 - Rachel Weisz is the hotness. A shame about all that botox. Aaand a shame to miss out on Wahlberg going ballistic on us. Alan Arkin breaks out another spiritkilling 2-pager for the upset win.
3:32 - wow, could the song from "Cars" be the worst song ever nominated for anything? Some serious musical crappiness going on here. Oh, turns out the "Inconvenient Truth" song is just as bad. With the other 3 nominations all coming from Dreamgirls, can you imagine how disappointing it must be for them if they don't win?
3:37 - and for the "let's make each other feel good about ourselves"-moment, Gore & DiCaprio announce the Oscars have "gone green". Yeah, absolutely no excess here. Helicopter shots from the red carpet and carbon offsetting? Incongruous, much? And absolutely fabulously hammy acting from Al Gore, as the music interrupts a fake-running-for-prez-announcement.
3:44 - the penguin movie guy looks positively penguinesque. The deadness of Ben Afflecks eyes announce adapted screenplay's coming up. Wouldn't a Borat win be something? Screenwriter montage worth it just for the snippets of Ed Wood and Barton Fink. Seriously, let's get The Departed rolling.
3:53 - and we did. Bald Jack looks happy. But really, you'd expect more of a bangout speech from a professional writer, wouldn't you? Plus, the "valium does work" joke got a few too many uneasy laughs.
4:02 - Note to ladies Blunt and Hathaway: cute and giggly works well when you're 15. Now? not so much. Meanwhile, the winner of best costumes calls the Oscar "this doll" in a weird accent. Not sure you're getting anymore once you call it a doll.
4:09 - Tom Cruise comes out acting all normal. I feel cheated, quite frankly. He's reached the point where it's really disappointing when there's no crazy stuff. Every major award show should have a Cruise moment. Instead, we get Ellen doing her ill-advised walking around chatting people up. Really, we don't need you interviewing Clint. He's old, ok? He can hardly hear you, and you expect him to improvise? Don't embarass the Clint.
4:16 - Wow, those silhouette dancers are ... something. Quite ... unique. I think I like it. And a 3rd statue for Pan's Labyrinth, for cinematography.
4:20 - This segment have Best Foreign Language film coming up. Hilariously, Danish commenters are cheering on Danish "After the wedding" ... while Pan's Labyrinth and Das Leben der Anderen is in the same category. Ain't gonna happen, guys, but thanks for playing. Interrupted by Robert Downey with a crack on crack, or something. And Naomi Watts in a dress so low-cut I hope there are wires holding it up just in case. A slipout seems imminent.
4:24 - And for the little known category "Broken English", it's Catherine Deneuve and Ken Watanabe! Interpreters everywhere rejoice. Das Leben der Anderen gets the Oscar after a montage called "Why Hollywood sucks". Or maybe it was just "Past Winners of Best Foreign Language Film". Well, same same. Almost crying just from those 3 shots from "Mar adentro".
4:34 - so, let me get this straight, the prize for winning best supporting actress is kissing Clooney, or getting an Oscar? either way, it's Jennifer Hudson for the minor upset. We either get a breakdown here, or we aren't gonna get it at all. Not that much, unfortunately. Not much kissing from George. Guess he doesn't like big girls.
4:42 - And Gael Garcia Bernal wins worst haircut of the evening, and even shows off a pair of glasses with a frame completely messing up his face. Nice work.
4:45 - Oh my, Jerry Seinfeld is presenting "Best documentary". Not only was he available, and present, and dressed up, but apparently quite willing to perform, and be, you know, funny. Really, we couldn't get him to host the show? He only had time for a 2 minute spot? And in just 2 minutes he proves without a doubt why Ellen DeGeneres has no business hosting the biggest gig in showbizz. For the least surprising award, An Inconvenient Truth knocks it out of the ballpark.
4:52 - And the producers flat out refuse to let Clint age gracefully, putting him on the spot with a horribly long introduction to Morricone's honorary Oscar. Can we all agree on just letting him do a Nicholson and sit and look cool and say nothing? The guy's 200 years old. Ennio's beautiful music to the rescue, once again.
5:03 - Morricone and Eastwood combine for the most touching moment of the night so far. And so cute of that little man to passionately thank his grumpy beast of a wife. Notice how I skipped right past Celine Dion, there? Subtle, huh? Like it never happened.
5:18 - Little Miss Sunshine taking home original screenplay, and Kirsten Dunst doing the dead eye stare while Tobey Maguire struggles to present. After Michael Arndt's remarkably together speech, J-Lo botches up introducing a song from Dreamgirls featuring Jennifer Hudson in more immediate boob-spillout-danger than ever. And Beyonce singing circles around the poor matched Hudson, who's screaming unpleasantly, or shrieking, rather, to match Beyonce's output.
5:30 - I refuse to acknowledge that Melissa Etheridge now has an Oscar. Really, there were no better songs, in any movie, anywhere on earth, all of last year? Just so we're clear, I'm counting this as an Oscar for Al Gore. No way did the people voting for this mess actually hear the song.
5:43 - After an obnoxious "America"-montage, Thelma Schoonmaker, the master editor of Raging Bull, gets one more notch for The Departed. Which, fittingly, leads to the "Departed last year"-montage. Foul play, anyway. And Robert Altman going out on top. But really, would it kill you to be quiet for 2 minutes? the whole "let's clap wildly to show that we remember some of these more than others" is a bit repulsive.
5:54 - Now for the least surprising award of the year: rooting for Helen Mirren really is like rooting for the dealer at a blackjack table. She was that good.
6:02 - And to present... hey, it's June Carter! oh wait. Btw, Best Actor is loaded this year. As mentioned, DiCaprio looks scary. O'Toole as well, but that's a different kind of scary. On the other hand, you don't wanna mess with Idi Amin. Does anybody else get the feeling Forest Whitaker's a bit, um... too much into this acting thing? Doesn't seem healthy. He's even having trouble losing the Amin-accent.
6:07 - The action heats up as the three stooges Coppola, Lucas and Spielberg do a cute little number before Scorsese finally gets his Oscar. Well, he was due, even though a solid 5 or 6 of his past movies were more deserving than The Departed.
6:13 - Bringing out the big gun for Best Movie, Jack Nicholson's out to announce. Diane Keaton's either drunk or wore the wrong glasses. Rambling incoherently. So Jack takes over. And whatever was on that card, he does announce one more statue for The Departed. Does that mean we can go to bed now? Or do we still have "Best Makeup in an animated Short film documentary" or something coming up? I've lost track. And work starts in about an hour and a half.
So goodnight, and farewell.